Leftovers

Over the course of my three or four most recent cleaning spurts, I found all of these old quotes.  Not being in college leaves a big quote-shaped hole in my heart.  :-(  Enjoy!

• "This weekend's not good for me--I'm celebrating the birth of Christ." --Kelly Hill, on camping
• "The mood ring is perfect.  Period." --Kyle Page
• "Plus, isn't it a cool shape?  Isn't it shaped like a star?" --Kyle
  "No, Kyle, that's starfruit." --Katie; on passionfruit
• "Hey, I'm stupid piss yellow over here." --Cara O'Shea, on Phase 10
• "I forgot to unwrap this chocolate!" --Cara
• "I feel like, if I had a good hearty meal in me, I'd rather go swashbuckle." --Dave Burrington
• "That's what I'm talking about.  Evidence!" --Matt Yergey
• "I'm getting my nose fixed." --Ron Selig
  "Aren't there bigger things you should be worrying about?" --Erika Selig
  "Like your nose?" --Ron
• "I'm not awkward, I'm fun!" --Kelly Hill
• "Number 1: There was a prominent theme of camo...in the wedding.  Number 2: I saw Greg Longacre there." --Ryan Hamilton, on family events
  
• "Erika did, too, until she started getting rides from he who shall remain nameless." --my dad
  "Voldemort?" --Katie; on bussing
• "He's like the red-headed step-child of The Beatles." --Yergey, on Ringo Starr
• "No, fine, if we're doing it like that, then it's magical bug repellent and I can fly with it." --Yergey, on X-ray goggles
• "This morning, I woke up early and put chalk in our erasers. But we don't have any chalkboards in our house so nothing happened." --Kyle, on April Fool's Day
  

Probably disappointing for someone.

I searched the depths of my room (or, two desk drawers) to find quotes because a Miss Kelly Hill has lately requested an update in order to review all her own instances of sparkling wit. What I came up with, mainly, was a lot of old Pitt quotes that hadn't been published, somehow, and a few other randoms, and ALL of them are undated. So...sorry to anyone who finds this less than satisfactory.

undated

• "This is from the bartender; he says don't order a Jolly Rancher again or you'll be harassed." -Dominic (Joe Mama's waiter)
  "Did you go down there and say, 'Some guy ordered a Jolly Rancher'?" -Jerry May
  "Yes." -Dominic; on Jerry's birthday and a complimentary shot.
• "So we're all going to fly in from our jobs around the country for your 21st birthday." -Jerry, on Jon Meck
• "Did your mom breast feed you both at the same time?" -Erin Offord, on twins
• "I bet Ben got more milk." -Erin, on Jon
• "He drank the rest of my supermasculinity drink." -Jerry, on the Jolly Rancher
• "It has bits of real cake." -Jason Pippi, on the Pineapple Upside-Down Cake martini
• "I have clothes in the dryer." -Phil Boggs
  "You have toes in the dryer?" -Erin
• "I like to give the homeless people something to do on the weekends--I throw it out my window." -Jon, on change
• "Number one: circumcision." -Mel
  "Number two: to be Ben." -Jerry; on Jon's Christmas list.
• "Does nobody here care that I'm a Muslim? Jesus Christ." -Tom Hutchinson, on the 'Father Abraham' song
• "Zachary has excelled at being not only white, but black." -Pippi, on Chancellor Nordenberg
• "I am the best sleeper that I know." -Jon
  "Of course, it's a competition." -Mel, on Jon as a person
• "This sounds more and more believable...he magically appeared in your room..." -Erin, on Pippi's stories
• "I'm not seeing how we went from there to sex." -Jon, on Pippi's stories
• "I wish I were a girl with less than 20/20 vision." -Jerry, on Pippi's shopping habits
• "There was ugly sex in my bed." -Mel, on roommates
• "A guy at my church bought coke off of him." -Alex Moore, on Dan Marino
• "Remember Foghorn-Leghorn? He was a crazy chicken." -Jerry, on memories
• "I like gave birth through my nose to something." -Ross Rader, on gross illness
• "He's persuasive." -Jay Deocampo
  "So was Jesus." -Katie
  "That's what I'm saying!" -Jay; probably on Ben Filio, based on statistics
• "That's such a delightful number!" -old lady at Bingo, on O66
• "As a child, it's the only thing I ever remember giving me heartburn." -Matt Yergey, on Slim Jims
• "Can you tell me, please, what is a bear bag?" -Katie
  "You put bears in it." -Kelly Hill
• "Weren't they married?" -Kelly
  "No." -Katie
  "Were they getting married?" -Kelly
  "No." -Katie
  "Wasn't she...sad?" -Kelly; on Angelina Jolie
• "You should get a bungalow." -Katie
  "A BUMgalow." -Kelly; on Ryan Hamilton and Hawai'i
  

Long-Awaited

This contains a cross-section of my life for the past eight months. I hope you like it.


18 April 2008

• "Ooo, I'll race you to the bottom!" -Tom Hutchinson
  "Physics says we'll tie!" -Jerry May
  "Actually--" -Jim Keener
  "Don't." -Jerry; on gravity
• "Jerry, no, you do not have a strong abdomen!" -Teresa Pizella, on falling out the window
• "You can say 'y' because it's ambiguous--you don't know if it's a vowel or a verb." -Jon Meck, on King's Cup
• "In my pants, I have pee'n." -Tom, on rhyming
  

7 April 2008

• "What do you include as a precursor to your manuscript?" -Dawn Lundy Martin
  "More beer?" -Chris Seymore
  

2 April 2008

• "In order to keep the Earth calm, the community must sacrifice a virgin." -Prof. Anna Nisnevich
  "Shit." -Jerry; on Stravinsky
• "When I find someone who says something interestingly stupid, I love it." -Prof. Don Bialostosky, on literary criticism
• "I don't want to be piggy-backing . . . maybe leap-frog . . ." -Chris Wilson, on critics
  

26 March 2008

• "We were walking through the peach forest . . ." -Jon
  

23 March 2008

• "Who wants to do all my work? I'll pay you in Reese's eggs." -Jessica Dailey
  

19 March 2008

• "This guy clearly has good spontaneous overflow." -Todd Saulle, on Wordsworth
  

17 March 2008

• "Here's Ireland . . . Happy St. Patrick's Day." -Anna Nisnevich, on maps
  

28 February 2008

• "She didn't know what to do, she was like, 'that's my fuckin' baby.'" -Abbie Sigmon, on elephants
• "Oh, I'm supposed to call the cops." -Abbie
• "It was cute, he came and sat right next to me." -Abbie
  "He took my seat!" -Allie Tessin; on boys.
  

13 February 2008

• "I don't know if there's anything safe to say about this poem." -Prof. Don Bialostosky, on Tintern Abbey
• "This is our Valentine's Day reading of this poem." -Don B., on lovers
• "Like a bad car accident?" -Jessica Ainsworth
  "Well, not if you're in it." -Don B.; on completely wrong ideas
• "The old mountains are closer to the beautiful than the sublime, except in those places where undergraduates fall off of cliffs while drunk." -Don B., on aesthetic philosophy
  

6 February 2008

• "Wordsworth kind of wins." -Todd, on criticism
  

23 January 2008

• "What God harms somebody else?" -Jessica Ainsworth
  "Old Testament God." -Adam Korman
  

14 January 2008

• "Your phone is possibly the slimmest, sexiest thing I have ever seen." -Margaret Krauss
  "It has sex with all the other phones." -Ben Filio
  "Slut!" -Margaret
  "Yeah, but does it call the next day?" -Ian Long
  

7 January 2008

• "Why do so many lick when sucking is clearly more satisfying?" -Nicola Pioppi
  

30 November 2007

• "There used to be a version of this I liked better that administered an electric shock." -Dr. Dick Moreland, on counter-bed-wetting tools
  

14 November 2007

• "I'll talk to you later about my feelings about Panera." -Alexandra Valint
• "I guess I'm doing that a lot today. Just flailing." -Kevin McGrath, on being called on
  

12 November 2007

• "Sexy-looking graph, here." -Moreland, on psychology research methods
  

7 November 2007

• "If I wanted you to call on me, I would raise my hand." -Marty Arnold
• "You go right ahead, Mrs. Dalloway. You go explode the world with your independence." -Alexandra, on Virginia Woolf

5 November 2007

• "I won't go into details, but a place where blood goes when you get excited." -Moreland, on involuntary behavior measures
• "Sit on that one, Lynn." -Lizzie Harris, on throwing it back.
• "I do think it makes it a less quality poem--I . . . should not say anything else about Sylvia Plath." -Lizzie
  
• "Amiri Barak says 'Kill Whitey.' I am Whitey!" -Paul Kameen, on context
  

29 October 2007

• "Who knows--anything concave . . ." -Prof. Nancy Glazener, on sexual imagery
• "What you can do with innocence is lose it." -Nancy Glazener, on Henry James
  
• "No, he wouldn't be jailed for being a Jehovah's Witness." -Paul Kameen, on Robert Lowell
• "He certainly took a lot of shit." -Lynn Emanuel, on Robert Lowell
• "Extremely extinct." -Jessi Ritz, on Sylvia Plath
  

26 October 2007

• "If you think about it for a minute, he loves that word 'motherfucker,' which is very Freudian." -Moreland, on ???
  

23 October 2007

• "Maybe she got stiffed on a tip before me, or, here's an important one, maybe I'm a bastard." -Moreland, on fundamental attribution error
  

22 October 2007

• "I am the flower of America." -Lynn Emanuel, on Robert Lowell
  

19 October 2007

• "I don't drive Harley Davidsons, but I've read about them." -Moreland
  

17 October 2007

• "In this one, the doors of Hell open up." -Kevin McGrath, on Mickey's Christmas Carol
• "And his grave is bigger than everyone else's, so maybe that means something." -Kevin
  "Maybe he's taller than everyone else." -Alexandra; on Scrooge
• "If you're mean and you don't share, you'll go to hell." -Samantha Lane, on Dickens' morals
• "It's like testosterone in my face, burning!" -Jason Pippi
  "Why would you spray it in your face?" -Katie
  "Don't judge me." -Pippi; on cologne
  

16 October 2007

• "As long as we remember, I think it'll come to fruition." -Katie
  "You mean, fro-ition?" -Erin Offord; on Jim Keener's hair
  

15 October 2007

• "Is that a child? Is that Jiminy Cricket?" -Blaire Zeiders, on representations
• "I'm not a good herbologist." -Blaire
• "It's much longer than that." -Alexandra, on 1,001 Arabian Nights
• "Oh, it's a ghost, it's glittery . . . and, it's a chair." -Alexandra, on the fantastic
• "They're meta-puppets; they're aware of their status as puppets." -Benjy Blanco
• "This is not about you. Halloween is not about you." -Camiele White, on sharing candy
• "You can easily read these poems who were written by New Criticisms themselves." -Dawn Larkins, on diction
• "But if men want to talk about masculinity, it's like, no thank you, we have enough of that." -Peter
  

10 October 2007

• "An ode is not a tap-dance routine." -Alexandra
  

9 October 2007

• "Euphemisms are nicer sounding words." -Prof. Natalie Operstein, on 'shitter'
  

8 October 2007

• "Masturbation in the schools." -Prof. Marah Gubar, on Victorian prudism
• "Even unborn babies in the womb had evil lusts and appetites." -Marah, on Original Sin
• "If you ever have contact with a very newborn baby, they are kind of gross and amoeba-like." -Marah
• "Because of the time period and who it was written by . . ." -Chris Seymore
  "God." -Lizzie Harris
• "Like, I'm standing here and The Waste Land is coming towards me." -Lynn Emanuel, on overwhelming
• "Cause her number make sense. They're boring." -Jessi Ritz, on H.D.
• "It's homework, bra. Not classwork." -Camiele
• "I listened to Eric Clapton in a very small room in the 70s, and my hearing is not so . . ." -Lynn
  

7 October 2007

• "No false babies!" -Erin
  "Can you call nib on a false baby?" -Jerry; on arbitrary rules
• "You and Jimmy can hang out." -Katie
  "We'll boil some dough." -Jon; on the drinking age
• "That's so bad for you! . . . Probably." -Katie, on eye tricks
• "Take your shirt off first." -Erin, on Jimmy scaring people

5 October 2007

• "It's Kevin Bacon day." -Moreland
  

3 October 2007

• "Maybe I associate food too much with happiness." -Mia McFadden
• "I'm cool with that." -Mia, on dying for love

1 October 2007

• "I guess there's a lot of sex in here." -Prof. Steve Carr, on Lectures in Literature
• "Is she getting into her PJs? No way!" -Steve Carr, on Christabel
  

27 September 2007

• "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. Remember that, with O.J. Simpson? . . . I shouldn't have said that." -Prof. Mariolina Salvatori
  

26 September 2007

• "Okay, night is the time to party . . . okay, hello fairies." -Alexandra, on Milton
• "Who was a really sexy villain?" -Katie
  "Richard Nixon?" -Alex Batoff
  "Weird, dude." -Jay Deocampo
• "What would you have if you were rich?" -Alexandra
  "A menagerie." -Jay
  

24 September 2007

• "I don't have kids, so I'm an evolutionary failure." -Moreland, on behavioral genetics
  

19 September 2007

• "I mean, 13- to 16-year-olds fall in love and then go all emo and kill themselves." -Samantha Lane, on Shakespeare
  

17 September 2007

• "So imagine teasing her about not getting any sex. How long would you have lasted?" -Prof. John Twyning, on Queen Elizabeth I
• "Why can't we kill Hermia?" -John Twyning, on A Midsummer Night's Dream
• "Imagine you've got a little baby there, 'Oh, what should we call 'im? Let's call 'im Northrop.'" -John Twyning, on 19th century names
• "Mustn't have Oberon overheating. Play goes to hell if you have that." -John Twyning, on Marah Gubar
• "I just love saying love-juice." -John Twyning, on A Midsummer Night's Dream
• "Why not, if it can alter my soul, why not give it a shot?" -Mike Potochny, on T.S. Eliot
• "Oh, he says he does? I say a lot of things too I don't mean." -Jessi Ritz, on T.S. Eliot
  
• "One time, we were on the subway in Philadelphia and my friend Kayla was wearing a red bandanna cause she's like a lesbian . . ." -Adele Meyer, on gangs
• "No porn . . . unless it's like arty porn, and then maybe." -Elana Schlenker, on submissions
  

13 September 2007

• "Get ready ladies, this is a microcosm of the world everywhere. . . . Little Ben Filios everywhere will be crying." -Adele Meyer, on ratios
• "You can never oversaturate a market. Look at Fitty." -Kevin Irish, on promo
• "'I heard there's free beer.' 'That was last week, old man.' 'Aw, fuck. Let me know next time.'" -Kevin and Ben Filio, on free beer
  

12 September 2007

• "I think I'm sexy, I'm racy, and I'm sporty, and the car shows it." -Moreland, on self-consistency
• "It'd be rude if someone came up and knocked on my window and said, 'I don't think you're very sporty.'" -Moreland
• "And I said, 'That's because we're in a different thyme zone.' And she kind of laughed politely, but she didn't think it was very funny." -Moreland
• "I sometimes think, how far away from that am I?" -Moreland, on crazy bums
  
• "J/K, God." -Jay, on Margery Kempe
• "Luke Skywalker went to my high school." -Alexandra
• "She liked that, didn't she." -Elaina, on Margery Kempe's trysts with God
• "She thought she was so much better than everyone else because God wanted to have sex with her or whatever." -Dylan Heimbrock, on Margery Kempe
  

11 September 2007

• "Go to Internet, click on Venice . . ." -Prof. Mariolina Salvatori
  

10 September 2007

• "Had he said, 'anyone can be a poet,' I'd have said, 'eff that, what am I paying 12-grand a year for?" -Lizzie, on John Stuart Mill
  

6 September 2007

• "For instance, mUka means flower, and, um, mukA means torture." -Prof. Natalie Operstein, on Russian
• "For example, these are two Russian words. This one means shelter. This one means blood." -Natalie O.
  

5 September 2007

• "Maybe it says more about me than him, but that wouldn't have deterred me." -Moreland, on communists and sex
• "When I talked about it in here, I didn't see any women go, 'Yeah, yeah, that's me.'" -Moreland, on penis envy
• "I wasn't sure if he wanted to be the corset, or if he wanted to wear the corset." -Marty, on John Donne
• "You don't say, 'May I kiss you, please?', you say 'Let me kiss you. Baby.'" -Jay

4 September 2007

• "If you protect it forever, then no one will see its shine. That's my metaphor for children." -Jon, on Jerry's backpack

27 August 2007

• "Are people mostly sincere and kind, or are they generally assholes? Anyone who's worked a job dealing with the general public is likely to come to the asshole conclusion." -Moreland
  

undated

• "He's a two and I'm, like a nine point eight . . . five." -Ross Rader, on other people I could hang out with.
• "Wal-Mart Senior Center . . . bring your family in to be taken care of, you know . . . But secretly it's a sweatshop!" -Pippi
  "Jason!" -Katie
  "Call it Arts & Crafts and they'll never know!" -Pippi
  
• "This didn't tell me anything! It's like a horoscope!" -Kevin Irish, on a pamphlet
• "Before I was studying, I was in a, uh, focus group." -Kevin Irish, on beer
• "I wish I were a bear." -Ian
  "I wish you were, too. Then I could say, 'I know a bear.'" -Kevin Irish
• "There was a kid who was born without eyes." -Ross
  "That's not a nice story!" -Katie; on deception
  
• "It's not 200 proof; you can't drink 200 proof." -Alex Moore
  "Yes, you can." -Jim Keener
  "No you can't--the body rejects--" -Alex
  "Jimmy, did you eat a fish and not tell anyone?" -Jerry
• "Why does everything you do sound like an RV trip from hell?" -Calista Nasser, on Meck family life
• "You're an idiot--you get none." -Cara O'Shea, on Jimmy and hot sauce
• "Wait, who is it in the bikini?" -Erin
  "Maura...you know, his fiancee?" -Teresa
  "Yeah, I thought you said 'your mom'." -Erin; on Phil Boggs
• "This camera doesn't pick up rednecks." -Jon
  "Oh, redneck reducer!" -Erin; on Phil Boggs
  
• "I just bit my lip chewing gum--can you be any stupider?" -Katie
  "Yeah, you can. If you broke your leg chewing gum, then I'd think you're really stupid." -Midge Smithburg
• "We have CMU, that's kind of like Chinatown." -Nicola
• "We don't want Pitt News, a.k.a. the Palestinians, to edge in." -Margaret
• "Don't hire me at I suck dot com." -Elana
  

SUMMER QUOTES
undated, in mostly-chronological order

• "Eventually, they won't even give us the food." --Ted Parsons, on robots
• "I didn't go into 'Mom' mode, which I'd usually do, because I figured you wouldn't appreciate it." --Katie
  "Mom mode? What does that entail?" --Stanley Saeger
  "Giving birth." --Matt Yergey
• "Most of the stuff says mango but it actually smells like grape or something." --Kelsey Billie, on Bath & Body Works
• "Petro's such a moron--he has a cup on his head!" --Kyle Page
  "Truth or Dare?" --Stanley; on us as people
• "Are you guys having Bible Study?" --Danielle Pittner
  "That's a cookbook." --Kyle
• "I've always just called it 'Whoever Puts Their Finger on Their Nose First, or Last, or What?' That's the official name." --Danielle, on Nose Goes
• "They were exterminated in the Second World War." --my mom
  "Were they eaten?" --my brother; on gypsies
• "Everybody loves E. Coli!" --Ron, on Taco Bell
• "You wanna put it where I think you wanna put it?" --Danielle
  "That's what she said." --Kyle; on Scrabble
• "You better watch your language." --Skippy
  "Like...write it down and look at it?" --Danielle
• "I don't see much we can do." --Danielle
  "That's because you're not looking." --Kyle; on Scrabble
• "Are there a lot of ... lisbians...in Lisbon?" --Kyle, on Skippy's journey
• "The hot tub's not working?" --Kyle
  "What am I doing here?" --Kelly Hill; on Yergey's house
• "I worked really hard for those three days." --Kyle, on work ethic
• "She had spontaneous orgasms?" --Katie
  "Wait, this is bad why?" --Danielle; on strange medical conditions
• "There's no 'm' in 'voluptuous.'" --Katie
  "There is if The Champ says there is." --Skippy
• "'How much is this? No, don't tell me! ...Is it expensive?' 'Well...it's reasonable.'" --Ted, on fear of numbers
• "Alice in Jesus Chains?" --Ted, on Christian cover bands
• "We could hold hands." --Stanley, on bonding
• "We wear the same underwear. Except mine says 'Kyle' and his says 'Stanley'. Sometimes we switch." --Kyle, on matching
• "You're a leopard-print dinosaur?" --Ted, on Kyle's raps
• "Granma, it's called Brallelujah!" --Erika
  "Must be Spanish, no?" --my Granma; on Spanx
  

the BE-ALL, END-ALL of QUOTE POSTS...

...because Mel might kill me if I wait any longer to do this, and it has, in all fairness, been months.

1 March 2007

• "It was an accident, like a freeway pile-up." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on the Crucifixion
• "At the time, it wasn't flashy; it was just another dead Jew." --Denova
• "Do you think there'll be Steeler games in heaven?" --Denova
• "You see that bumper sticker 'Jesus Saves'? It doesn't mean he backs up his disks." --Denova
• "It's kinda like Gandalf." --Denova, on Jesus
• "That's when the Church has to drop back and punt." --Denova

2 March 2007

• "Matt is questionable on, like, pasta." --Casey Spirk, on Matt Stepnick

3 March 2007

• "I need a tongue-piercing to save my soul from MySpace!" --Erika Selig
• "Oh, dang, I left Gone with the Wind at Ashley's house." --Erika
  "Does that mean we can't have our movie marathon?" --Mom
  "Ummm, do you still have a MySpace?" --Erika

13 March 2007

• "If you liked Lord of the Rings, they've imported all the orcs." --Denova, on 300
• "I used to think that was kind of neat. Then I got older and all I could think about was the germs." --Denova, on Good Friday services
• "But I want to know if I'm going to get a job or not!" --Prof. Jeff Oaks, on e ching (??)
• "I expected more from you...whale-shirt." --Jess Fields

14 March 2007

• "I've been dying a thousand deaths each week." --Prof. Uma Satyavolu, on spelling
• "Grammar is a bad word in America, I found out." --Uma
• "I've caught errors in their text, and my mother has actually called them to complain." --Paul Lundblad, on the news
• "So, the use of double negatives, for instance...?" --Uma
  "...drives me crazy." --Paul
• "If you don't think all cookies have sugar, you'll get extremely fat." --Dov Naiditch

15 March 2007

• "Snow White and the Vagina Dwarves." --Alex Moore
• "Try another country...I don't know, Lichtenstein, they probably don't care." --Denova, on resurrecting the monarchy
• "Jesus always liked Mary best. He loved her more than the rest of us. He used to kiss her on the blank." --Denova, on literal holes in text
  
• "I need to sleep, but...there's the..." --Denova, on Dan Brown

20 March 2007

• "Who wants to read Homer's all of life crap? Skip to the good parts!" --Denova
• "And they're like, 'Oh, man, I have to break her in...'" --Denova, on virgins
• "I'm pretty sure they used cardboard sets and, I think, Danish modern furniture, cause it was hot in the fifties." --Denova
• "My favorites are adulterers and rapists. What do you think gets cut off?" --Denova, on Dante's Seven Circles
• "How does someone get that deep?" --Erin Dragan
  "Drugs." --Jeff Oaks; on Mei-Mei Bersenbrugge
• "The Alphabet Soup Kitchen...It's not that good I guess." --Eric [V? B?], on titles
• "The experience of being a woman as seen by Roget's Thesaurus." --Katie
  "I don't think I can handle that." --Chris Carosi; on women.
• "That reminds me of a quote from Pat Robertson that said 'Feminism causes women to practice witchcraft and kill babies.'" --Dragan
  "And burn the biscuits: it's all bad!" --Jess Fields

22 March 2007

• "Wait, is this Superman?" --girl
  "No, this is Jesus." --Denova
• "I actually can do, I make one hell of a lasagna." --Denova, on teachers
• "I don't want you running into my room every time you have an itch." --Cara O'Shea, on Gold Bond
• "Ow, I'm blinking." --Cara
• "Um...um...pizza in my pants!" --Jon Meck
• "It's not a competition; it's an assessment of Alex's diet." --Katie
  "But you can make it a competition." --Jon; on essential character traits
• "What's your secret?" --Erin Offord
  "I poop four times a day." --Alex Moore; on digestive oddities.

27 March 2007

• "Bars do it--why not the church?" --Denova, on seashell decor
• "It'd be like wearing an electric chair around your neck." --Denova, on Christian symbolism
• "Gee, God, you look good today, I like those shoes." --Denova, on Origen
• "We revolve around the sun, right?" --Denova, on ancient theory
• "Mine didn't talk." --Jess Fields, on The Vagina Monologues
• "I used to clip the bottoms off Dixie cups and put them on my wrists and ride around town." --Jeff Oaks, on Wonder Woman
• "My favorite was, um..." --Jess
  "Yeah, let's not do that." --Jeff
• "As a kid, I thought that meant that she liked me better." --Jeff, on draft dodging

28 March 2007

• "Who needs wool when your average temperature is between 70 and 120 degrees?" --Uma, on the British East India Company

3 April 2007

• "Does Mel have extra-slutty?" --Katie
  "No, she's just a normal slut." --Jerry May
• "Which is the part that tells me to kill people?" --Jerry
  "That'd be the id. But I don't think it's supposed to do that." --Mel; on psychology
  
• "I see 'few and whip'. What does that say?" --Tom Hutchinson
  "'How and why'." --Jerry; on Jerry's handwriting
• "But it is possible to squiggle yell..." --Tom
  "What number is that?" --Jerry
  "I don't know, the one that starts with 'Arnold'." --Tom; on Jerry's handwriting
• "Yes, I have a Constantine wristwatch. Do you?" --Denova
• "Do I know the back entrance to the men's room? All too well." --Ting Xiao
• "I figured you'd at least be able to pick out some of the words." --Jeff Oaks
  "Like 'hamburger'?" --Katie; on Polish
• "But then I wrote a poem about hunting." --Ed (??) on translation
• "No, you're ruining the movie for me!" --David Savakinas, on the Lifetime channel
• "I see those crazy bastards all the time." --Jeff Oaks, on robotics

10 April 2007

• "They always liked the hooker with the heart of gold." --Denova, on the French
• "Every couple years, they dig Anthony up, see how he's doin'." --Denova, on relics
• "I wanna go around telling people my moles are tattoos." --Ting, on Jess's tattoo
• [From before this, but written on this date:]
  "What's going on over there?" --Jeff
  "Dragan was trying to eat me." --Katie
  "I was hungry." --Dragan

11 April 2007

• "It sounds vaguely vulgar--'have a good one' without specifying what of a good one I should have." --Uma, on Americanisms
• "They are noisy, aren't they? And they have angry eyes." --Uma, on hens
• "That's why American sports are better." --Dov, on 'googly'
• "The surest sign that you've never read a book in your life." --Uma, on 'regards'
• "Ew...that's sad." --Uma, on vomit

12 April 2007

• "And this is my favorite, ready? Jews were not allowed to work as doctors and lawyers." --Denova, on stereotypes
• "My feeling is, if I'm already condemned, I'm going down in flames." --Denova, on Calvinism
• "'If you're one of the chosen, you won't wanna be bad,' and I'm like, 'bet me.'" --Denova, on Calvinism
• "Never phase--I broke my knee!" --Cara, on games

13 April 2007

• "I only had a chipotle wrap, rice, and half of a bunny today." --Cara

19 April 2007

• "I printed the first page and the last page and hoped that would summarize." --Jon
• "What would you do, Tom?" --Erin
  "I would eat them. What would you call that?" --Tom
  "Cannibalism." --Jon
• "Yeah! Me and Dave Wannstedt!" --Jerry, on dreams-come-true
  

FEBRUARY 2007

28 February 2007

• "Suppose that when you met me, I told you I was this fascinating, heroin-addicted brain surgeon who'd been climbing Mount Everest..." --Uma Satyavolu Rau, on truth
• "Apart from the little glitch that she's married her brother without realizing it." --Uma
• "It's kind of like, you-just-go-if-you-do-anything-bad-rehab. ... It's almost a mythical place." --Dov Naiditch, on cultural sensitivity training
• "Must take a while. I'd have just told him." --Dov, on writing on glass
  

27 February 2007

• "Here's the deal: I've known about this tomb for 27 years." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on archaeological discoveries
• "I'm not Satan." --Denova
• "It was like our first guided tour of Hell, kind of fun." --Denova, on the gospel of Peter
• "Sounds like the beginning of a poem. Or a Disney film." --Jeff Oaks
• "Except for the loud ones with the hot ash." --Jess Fields, on being [emotionally] hurt
• "He holds me up aloft." --Jeff, on homoeroticism in Walt Whitman's poetry
  

26 February 2007

• "Says if. Means of." --Jon Meck, on typographical errors
• "Out of context, it was just another day in the life of Jimmy." --Jerry May, on a story about Coke
  

23 February 2007

• "He's so decrepit!" --Katie
  "I don't care, he's Jesus a little bit." --Tim Patton; on Mick Jagger
• "When you hurt the part of your leg that's in the middle..." --Erin Offord
  "Funny bone!" --Cara O'Shea; playing Catchphrase
• "If I meant a pool, I probably would have started with a bucket and worked my way up." --Jon, on Cara
• "It's like a square but different." --Tom Hutchinson
  "A circle!" --Cara & Erin; playing Catchphrase
• "You put it on before you go to bed..." --Teresa Pizzella
  "Deodorant!" --Jon; playing Catchphrase
• "Vinyl siding? No. A fish ladder." --Cara
• "Helen Keller can not lip read." --Erin, on Cara
• "Mulder is not this person who acted in Zoolander." --Cara, playing X-Files Catchphrase
• "It goes stomach, penis." --Jerry May, on...um...
• "The star of Bridget Jones' Diary." --Katie
  "Fat!" --Cara
  

22 February 2007

• "I used to think, 'why didn't they all just commit suicide,' but apparently that's cheating." --Denova, on gnostics
• "As a nice gnostic will tell you, you've been misled." --Denova
• "It's called a loophole." --Denova, on vows of celibacy
• "Oh, so I'm not the only one who falls asleep?" --Denova, on Ash Wednesday mass
  

21 February 2007

• "No, I'm not in car space, I'm in walking-person space." --Alan Irvine
  
• "There's the O, you've got a pretty good show there." --Alan Irvine
  
• "How can that be, in the modern world? Everyone has cell phones." --Uma, on Lost
  

20 February 2007

• "I don't like to let everything be taught by MTV--they skip a lot." --Denova
• "The real fun? We're not Jewish." --Denova, on school discrimination
• "Nobody holds it agains the Italians....Do you?" --Denova, on traditions of persecution
• "This is where Tertullian comes up with the line that the vagina is the gateway to hell." --Denova
• "You didn't get these as bedtime stories?" --Denova, on the incubus/succubus
• "What happened to 'em? Did we burn 'em all?" --Denova, on heresy
• "I think they were heretics." --Denova, on two guys who left early
• "Alright, I am the stag in the woods." --Jeff, on Carl Phillips
  

15 February 2007

• "Don't punish them all, they're pretty good, and by the way could you give me another set because I smashed the first." --Denova, on Moses
  

14 February 2007

• "That'll be the day, when my mom picks up a GPS system and is like, 'Let's go into the woods and look for things, Carl.'"--Mel, on geo-caching
• "What's that? Ew, it's his Valentine's Day outfit." --Cara, on hockey coaches
• "Well, it's not working; he should try something else!" --Cara, on anorexia
  

13 February 2007

• "I'm now in line as the father of Anna Nicole's baby." --Denova, on pop culture
• "I have a lot of names I would want to use, except they're very prejudicial." --Denova, on church fathers
• "This is the unit in your course reader--somebody dropped a dime." --Denova, on attention span
• "That temple was a pain anyway. Let's just study the book." --Denova, on second temple Judaism
• "You think they would have learned the first time--nooo, let's revolt from Rome again." --Denova, on the Jewish Revolt
• "Every once in a while, the Armenians try to take over." --Denova, on the Church of the Holy Sepulchre
  

7 February 2007

• "It's all about the commercials and not about those kids playing the game." --Uma, on the Superbowl
• "I'm fascist about it." --Uma, on language
• "Very reassuring to know that women go in and don't come out as griffins." --Uma, on bathroom signs
• "Spelling doesn't matter, as long as you know who owes the shilling to whom." --Kevin Sharpe
  

6 February 2007

• "Egypt didn't get a say, because they worship animal heads." --Denova, on "civilization"
• "Maybe I should start over--Genesis is the first book of the Bible." --Denova
• "Alright, Dorina, you don't." --Jeff, on knowledge
  

5 February 2007

• "He couldn't believe she'd throw a pot; she couldn't believe he didn't know enough to duck." --Alan Irvine, on cultural difference
• "No it's not--I don't like that girl." --Liz Dewar, on American Apparel
  

2 February 2007

• "My pants fit me better 'cause I've been working out." --Cara
  "That's nice." --Katie
  "So does my underwear." --Cara
  "That's awkward." --Katie
• "People told me I have a rubber face." --Cara
  "Yeah, all the beauty bounces off it." --Katie
  

1 February 2007

• "This is what you have to aspire to." --Prof. Mark Kemp, on the Cathedral of Learning
  
• "How many of you have never seen The Godfather? [pause] How can you be American?" --Denova, on delinquent movie-watchers
• "God, kinda." --Denova, on the Demi-Urge
  

JANUARY


31 January 2007

• "You can't really judge what I think about things based on what I say." --Uma Satyavolu
  

30 January 2007

• "Our research confirms that that is how he rolls." --ESPN Sports Center, on some NBA star
  
• "There's another place in Rome: Sacra Santa . . . Santas--Holy Stairs." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on pilgrimages
• "And of course these little old Italian ladies are zipping past me." --Denova, on Catholic indulgences
• "I collect all religions' indulgence sites, just in case." --Denova, on Purgatory
• "I have to go home and tongue-kiss my dog to get over this feeling of isolation." --Jeff Oaks, on John Koethe
• "This is like mean Mad Libs." --Jess Fields, on writing like Koethe
• "Here's some feeding tube food. Someone take it--my mom died." --Cara O'Shea, on free things
• "They have a sceptre, a fuck sceptre. And robes. Royal purple." --Cara, on Comcast
• "And then when you go to class at six, I'll go to the gym, cause I've gotta get a hot bod." --Cara, on boys
  

29 January 2007

• "I've been having dreams that I'm a man. I know I'm a man because, in my dreams, I'm having sex and I'm the one with the penis." --Nicola Pioppi
  

26 January 2007

• "[Gasps] I'm making peas! . . . [Three minutes later: looks at microwave] . . . I don't want peas anymore!" --Cara A. O'Shea
• "Yeah, Lori's sleeping, don't smell me!" --Cara, on late nights
  

25 January 2007

• "Pliny, don't get too close." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on early scientific methods at Pompeii
• "I've got nice guards, we play dice sometimes." --Denova, on St. Ignatius
• "He's a bullfighter, he's a gun-smith." --Erin Offord
• "What was the name of the Hoff's character in Baywatch?" --Katie
  "God?" --Lori Ellison; on David Hasselhoff
• "You look like a railroad worker." --Cara O'Shea, on Jerry May
• "Who was the first Beatle to have a #1 hit?" --Katie
  "Jesus." --Cara; on music
• "I sustained first degree burns on my face, my name is Seal!" --Cara, on breaking into song

24 January 2007

• "Wow, Philip, four syllables, I'm proud of you!" --Katie
  "And they were all in the same word!" --Phil Boggs; on vocabulary lessons
• "I'm in a prizm!" --Phil, on personal space
• "Would you have hooked up with Jesus?" --Mel, on sexuality
• "There's a reason that people say Jesus was hung on the cross." --Mel, on heresy
• "Phil, show us your peenie!" --Cara O'Shea, on manhood
• "The vagina is like a sea creature." --Cara
  

23 January, 2007

• "Justin Martyr--gee, I wonder how he died." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on church fathers
• "Orgasm is like a sneeze." --Denova
• "I hope that all of you in this room know that you can get pregnant standing up, and sideways . . . and jumping up and down afterwards doesn't get rid of it . . ." --Denova, on ancient conception myth
• "How many good Catholics in here? [Hands raise] How many Catholics that actually follow the dictates of the Catholic church on human sexuality? [Silence]" --Denova & Varieties class
• [Mel points to Bethany's notes.]
  "Diagram." --Bethany Summerson
  "Why?" --Katie
  "Because I always forget which one it is." --Bethany; on missionary position.
• "The only time I envy a penis is when it's not in my vagina." --Katie, on Freud
• "I don't believe that everything happened in the 60s, I'm tired of taking the blame." --Denova, on oral sex
• "So, did the Pope say we can use other positions?" --Some guy in Varieties, on Catholic Church Law
• "I read it to the dog. He loves poetry." --Jeff Oaks, on Whitman
• "And the blackberry is up there, so I've already put jam on it." --Jeff, on shortcake
• "Why is there a picture of someone being drawn and quartered behind you?" --Jeff, on sharing classrooms
• "It's not a waitress." --Jeff, on poetry-speak
  

18 January 2007

• "That's the picture I want on my tomb." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on ancient Etruscan porn

11 January 2007

• "People, or penguins?" --Mel, on Dr. Denova's art skills
• "I'll try to make it delicate. . . . 'He who shits.'" --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on translation
• "Eat your oatmeal, or I'll kill you." --Denova, on honor/shame cultures
• "I don't recommend trying that in the cafeteria." --Denova, on Plato's Symposia
• "Oh my God, I'm so old." --Denova, on Ben Hur
• "And to get you a cup of water when you were done." --Denova, on the role of slaves
  

10 January 2007

• "And then what? Am I going to Syria?" --Uma Satyavolu, on the word "momentarily"
  
• "It's only because I'm interested in cryptography that I could figure that out." --Uma, on internet-speak
• "Because the British are weird." --Uma

9 January 2007

• "It means Pilate didn't write home to Mom, 'Guess who I killed today.'" --Dr. Rebecca Denova
• "And I'm not just saying that because I'm Satan." --Denova, on eyewitnesses
• "And the housewives were drunk every afternoon and dinner wasn't ready." --Denova, on the Bacchanalian cult
  

4 January 2007

• "Some of them have pizza, some of them have salads. You should check it out." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on free lectures
• "It's Lethal Weapon 5. In the jungle." --Denova, on Apocalypto