JANUARY


31 January 2007

• "You can't really judge what I think about things based on what I say." --Uma Satyavolu
  

30 January 2007

• "Our research confirms that that is how he rolls." --ESPN Sports Center, on some NBA star
  
• "There's another place in Rome: Sacra Santa . . . Santas--Holy Stairs." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on pilgrimages
• "And of course these little old Italian ladies are zipping past me." --Denova, on Catholic indulgences
• "I collect all religions' indulgence sites, just in case." --Denova, on Purgatory
• "I have to go home and tongue-kiss my dog to get over this feeling of isolation." --Jeff Oaks, on John Koethe
• "This is like mean Mad Libs." --Jess Fields, on writing like Koethe
• "Here's some feeding tube food. Someone take it--my mom died." --Cara O'Shea, on free things
• "They have a sceptre, a fuck sceptre. And robes. Royal purple." --Cara, on Comcast
• "And then when you go to class at six, I'll go to the gym, cause I've gotta get a hot bod." --Cara, on boys
  

29 January 2007

• "I've been having dreams that I'm a man. I know I'm a man because, in my dreams, I'm having sex and I'm the one with the penis." --Nicola Pioppi
  

26 January 2007

• "[Gasps] I'm making peas! . . . [Three minutes later: looks at microwave] . . . I don't want peas anymore!" --Cara A. O'Shea
• "Yeah, Lori's sleeping, don't smell me!" --Cara, on late nights
  

25 January 2007

• "Pliny, don't get too close." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on early scientific methods at Pompeii
• "I've got nice guards, we play dice sometimes." --Denova, on St. Ignatius
• "He's a bullfighter, he's a gun-smith." --Erin Offord
• "What was the name of the Hoff's character in Baywatch?" --Katie
  "God?" --Lori Ellison; on David Hasselhoff
• "You look like a railroad worker." --Cara O'Shea, on Jerry May
• "Who was the first Beatle to have a #1 hit?" --Katie
  "Jesus." --Cara; on music
• "I sustained first degree burns on my face, my name is Seal!" --Cara, on breaking into song

24 January 2007

• "Wow, Philip, four syllables, I'm proud of you!" --Katie
  "And they were all in the same word!" --Phil Boggs; on vocabulary lessons
• "I'm in a prizm!" --Phil, on personal space
• "Would you have hooked up with Jesus?" --Mel, on sexuality
• "There's a reason that people say Jesus was hung on the cross." --Mel, on heresy
• "Phil, show us your peenie!" --Cara O'Shea, on manhood
• "The vagina is like a sea creature." --Cara
  

23 January, 2007

• "Justin Martyr--gee, I wonder how he died." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on church fathers
• "Orgasm is like a sneeze." --Denova
• "I hope that all of you in this room know that you can get pregnant standing up, and sideways . . . and jumping up and down afterwards doesn't get rid of it . . ." --Denova, on ancient conception myth
• "How many good Catholics in here? [Hands raise] How many Catholics that actually follow the dictates of the Catholic church on human sexuality? [Silence]" --Denova & Varieties class
• [Mel points to Bethany's notes.]
  "Diagram." --Bethany Summerson
  "Why?" --Katie
  "Because I always forget which one it is." --Bethany; on missionary position.
• "The only time I envy a penis is when it's not in my vagina." --Katie, on Freud
• "I don't believe that everything happened in the 60s, I'm tired of taking the blame." --Denova, on oral sex
• "So, did the Pope say we can use other positions?" --Some guy in Varieties, on Catholic Church Law
• "I read it to the dog. He loves poetry." --Jeff Oaks, on Whitman
• "And the blackberry is up there, so I've already put jam on it." --Jeff, on shortcake
• "Why is there a picture of someone being drawn and quartered behind you?" --Jeff, on sharing classrooms
• "It's not a waitress." --Jeff, on poetry-speak
  

18 January 2007

• "That's the picture I want on my tomb." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on ancient Etruscan porn

11 January 2007

• "People, or penguins?" --Mel, on Dr. Denova's art skills
• "I'll try to make it delicate. . . . 'He who shits.'" --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on translation
• "Eat your oatmeal, or I'll kill you." --Denova, on honor/shame cultures
• "I don't recommend trying that in the cafeteria." --Denova, on Plato's Symposia
• "Oh my God, I'm so old." --Denova, on Ben Hur
• "And to get you a cup of water when you were done." --Denova, on the role of slaves
  

10 January 2007

• "And then what? Am I going to Syria?" --Uma Satyavolu, on the word "momentarily"
  
• "It's only because I'm interested in cryptography that I could figure that out." --Uma, on internet-speak
• "Because the British are weird." --Uma

9 January 2007

• "It means Pilate didn't write home to Mom, 'Guess who I killed today.'" --Dr. Rebecca Denova
• "And I'm not just saying that because I'm Satan." --Denova, on eyewitnesses
• "And the housewives were drunk every afternoon and dinner wasn't ready." --Denova, on the Bacchanalian cult
  

4 January 2007

• "Some of them have pizza, some of them have salads. You should check it out." --Dr. Rebecca Denova, on free lectures
• "It's Lethal Weapon 5. In the jungle." --Denova, on Apocalypto
  

unfortunately uncomprehensive due to the fact that all my notebooks are home. these are what i have written down in my planner, but trust me when i say they're worth it. they're pretty much undated, so i'm just going to make a new section whenever there's a new page.

• "Wow, numbers aren't funny." --Kyle Page, on Loaded Questions
• "So, it is in writing that he wants to be called that." --Matt Foley, on Derica
• "Katie is 'everything I've ever wanted.'" --Matt, on wishes
• "I worked in Wyoming, I went to Rome last semester, and my mother and father are penguins." --Matt, on 2 Truths & a Lie
• "Books?--you don't know how to read." --Kyle, on Petro's 14 books
• "See, you're experiencing chocolate-covered pretzel syndrome!" --Kelly, on overeating
• "You know what I don't think would ever happen? Being in a band together. Kyle would never let us all be in it." --Kelly
  

• "I walked into Old Navy, and then I walked out." --Matt Foley, on the Promenade Shops
• "A man gives this to a woman . . ." --Eric D'Epagnier
  "A baby." --Stanley Saeger; playing Taboo
• "Crazy ladies, they think they can predict it . . ." --Danielle Pittner
  "Weatherman." --Matt Yergey; playing Taboo
• "Danielle, I'm sorry I told you to shut up." --Katie
  "When?" --Danielle; on paying attention
• "This is where you put bad people." --Andrew Petro
  "Hell." --Danielle; playing Taboo
• "If you're making out with someone, you get this . . ." --Katie
  "Herpes!" --Kelly; on questionable dating habits
• "And 12-year-old girls." --Stanley, on our New Year's Eve party
• "Well, fuck." --Katie
  "Right now?" --Danielle
• "'Kyle, you suck at football.'" --Stanley, on Kyle's "dream"
• "I thought Petro was like, 'oh, man, we're not dropping E?'" --Katie
• "Coffee just gives you energy, it doesn't put you in a better mood." --Kyle Page, on Kelly
• "I'm a cake!" --Matt Foley, playing Psychiatrist
• "Ecological?" --Yergey
  "I think that means nature." --Petro
  

• "I can't go back. Well, I can, but I'm not going to." --Matt Foley, on technology
• "This is the river god. This is me with the river god." --Matt, on foreign culture
• "What are we playing? Bedtime? I'm good at that!" --Kelly Hill, on games
• "That's why I keep it in my Facebook info."--Katie
  "So that the world can cater to you." --Beth Gockley; on my Hate List
• "I beat them up. I didn't kill anyone--I tried." --my mom, on beating public school kids with her umbrella
  

• "What's fuzzier than fuzz?" --Erin Offord
  "Whoopi Goldberg!" --everyone; playing Apples to Apples
• "Babies and AIDS are my favorite." --Erin, playing Apples to Apples
  

• "I want to be in the Special Olympics and not because I'm retarded." --Cara O'Shea
• "Wait--my computer's over!" --Cara
• "I don't think of your feet as part of your character." --Cara, on Jerry May
• "'Did you research affirmative action?' 'Do I need to?' 'Well did you?' 'Yeah. Fuck, Jerry. Fuck.'" --Jerry May, on misunderstanding.
• "When I was in kindergarten, I got on the green bus when I was supposed to get on the blue bus." --Cara
• "Did you hear, Sasquatch and Houdini? They're so cute together!" --Cara and Erin Offord, on relationships between people they don't know
• "Erin . . . Erin . . . here's the thing. Joe Wilde has been single about three weeks out of the time I've known him." --Jerry
  "And it was the last three." --Katie; on unhealthy dating habits
• "I got a gingerbread latte. I wasn't too proud." --Cara, on Caribou Coffee
• "Wait--a hobo mocha?" --Katie, on misunderstanding.
• "And we named it Garbledina because it looked like a retard." --Cara, on pumpkins
  

• "You look so merry when you chuckle." --Margaret Krauss, on Ben Filio
• "You've got the most humane reading list it's possible to have while still being enrolled in the class." --Prof. Shalini Puri, on her World Literature class
  

• "I like her striped t-shirt." --Alex Tanner
  "I like her eating disorder." --Roxanne Carter; on models

• "Would you think it a low blow if I got the Pitt News to cover it?" --Jenn Hoffman, on the Art, Crafts and Crap Fair
• "I don't think you're supposed to put high school stuff on your resume." --Elana Schlenker
  "I'll put whatever the fuck I want on my resume." --Liz Dewar